(OR What Roleplayers say when they open their mouths without thinking (which is quite often))
Newest Quotes are now at the top of each list that is regularly updated - one shot lists are not re-organized

Follow these links to the amusing snippets of your choice....or read the quotes from One-Shot and Short Term games on this page...

Real Life Quotes...
My D&D Campaign...
Jeff Lawrence's Greyhawk Campaigns...
My Wing Commander Campaign...


From Real Life, that game we all play in

"Gimme da Squid, GIMME da Squuiddd!" (That's what a tropical honeymoon will have you saying in no time...)

"I bet you switched a flip somewhere!" (Umm, Riiiiiight.....)

"Couldn't it be 'Father-pussbucket'?" (This equality stuff just goes way to far sometimes.)

"I sometimes forget just what a sarcastic SOB I am, and then I read the titles of the training documents I make for work." (Guess who!)

"And then my girlfriend's head exploded, BOOM, and the cat was all wet and the dog was looking at me like, 'What?!'..." (I wish my Empire would quit striking again...)

"Oh, I get it, you slept over Goose's and now your ass hurts..." (What she said to He Who Pulled His Ass later.)

"Arrrgghhhh! I can't break, I just pulled my ass." (He really meant it in the most innocent way, and we all watched him crumple. Then we laughed at him. It was fun.)

"I can't do it, no matter who wants their runs." (I don't think anybody wants the runs...)

"Her gender is male." (Ummm, problem....)

"Nothing I can think of at the top of my head." (Uh, perhaps the dunce cap in question...)

"He used his badness to good effect." (Ummm.)

"Move thine suited buttocks, will you?" (They were in the way.)

"I usually have very long nails, except for those fingers. I wonder where those paint chips go..." (Well, that's one brushing motion we wouldn't mind.)

"I guess I just have the dick with no name." (Well...)

"Mr. Happy encourages cuddles." (Oh really.)

"I am NOT showing you my dick!" (Oh well, privacy is an important thing - despite saying it loudly in public.)     

"I feel threatened by their commercials. Then they are going to eat the little guy. And THEN he's going to eat his girlfriend." (Relax folks, we're talking about M&M's here.)

"Don't eat Ingrid's egg, and don't even THINK of touching my sausage." (Well, that sounds particularly personal.)

"I was shaking with furry." (Um, shaking with furry what?)

"Are the lambs slithering, Clarise?" "Slithering?? The lambs didn't slither?!" (Ooops, sayeth the movie buff.)

"Carol has no problem eating sentient meat." "Well that's more like it!" (I see.....hmmmm.....)

"I tell stories about you at work, Pete." (Regarding our life loving, good taste kicking, friend.)

"You are a contradiction in reality." (Makes you feel loved, don't it?)

"I like Algae. (pause) What's wrong with algae?! (pause) There's nothing wrong with algae!" (Methinks she doth profess a like for algae too much.)

"You can't swing a dead cow without hitting a dentist." (To which we all looked askance - he swears he said dead 'cat' - but that's not what we heard - and does it really make it any more believable?)

"Naked to the visible eye." (Well, then, bring on the girls...)

"I am the mess what has shoe in her snows." (Oh, yeah, right.)

"A rousing game of 'find the teeth'." (Ah, retirement!)

"The king is dead, and the shooter is over for dinner." (I have no idea.)

"You put your butt in it and it just does it." (An exercise machine, I hope...)

"Here's your thingy with the things." (I beg your pardon - I don't hand that out, you know.)

"I become such a big geeky thing that points out other people's things." (Well, I never! (And I didn't - its those coworkers again))

"What am I going to have to do, come over there and kill you." (Congenial work environment, eh?)

"Hey, how come my pig isn't pink?!" (Well, I guess yours hasn't met Aerosmith.)

"I can't believe how much stuff I blew out of my head tonight." (All I have to say is - it wasn't me.)

"Well, I'll be over a friend's house tomorrow, killing people for twelve hours. It should be fun." (And dammit, it was.)

"You know, those things with painted Italians on the wall." (Must annoy those Italians to be painted to walls.)

"I was unconsciously clever." (Now that's something to be proud of. Unconscious and clever.)

"You can poo, but my doctor won't be happy..." (Oh, really?)

"Can I see your stub?" (Well, now, if'n you could see it, ya wouldn't say that. It was a check stub. Jeez!)

"Visions of sourdough screwed me up." (Um, ok...)

"You'd rather be russian, than slow??" (Well, I guess that's valid - if that's what he'd said.)

"I really wanted to eat a starfighter." (Now that's a diet.)

"He was orally convincing." (You don't say? Must have been some act.)

"He's just a heat and wet kind of person." (Umm, really, that's very, um .... interesting.)

"I think I need some dead animal, but first, I shall call mom." (That's me, yahoo.)

"Hello, thank you for calling. How may I direct your voice?" (Ma mere is at it again.)

"It's easier to go down..." (Well well, but seriously, yes, it is easier for babies to go down rather than climb up - sicko.)

"I cannot condone the actions of my clones." (It rhymes!) 

"Do not piss off the peripherals, or they shall shoot you in the head." (Well, they will, I saw the mouse clamp p-tang right off the guy's forehead.)

"Hello, thank you for calling, and how may I decorate your call?" (Um, a nice floral print, thanks.)

"What would you like to see the providers provide that they aren't currently providing?" (Telephone surveys sure have come a long way.)

"Keith is a large man, and Carol is not." "But I have a large ass." (Well, um, no comment.)

"Defragmatize" (Today's word is brought to by the item, 'Computer', and the concept, 'Illiterate'.)

"Yeah, pretty alot." (Umm, pretty much or alot - which is it?)

"You'll have to excuse me, I'm in the middle of a sex scene." (Well, that's just not what I was expecting.)

"Sitting is its own reward." (Hallelujah!)

"You have bad breath, I don't want to hear it." (Hmm, I'm sensing that your wanting to stop using the wrong sense.)

"Old people smell stale..you know...stale." (I was beside myself with mirth. Gods above, those coworkers.)

"Big tools need a big shed." (A lass I know sharing a bit of male wisdom she acquired.)

"I don't know why people are so against suicide." (Right. What's a cubit?)

"Oh, Hey, where did my Alzhimers go?" (We don't know, but I guess we can't blame you. Wow, coworkers.)

"Vibration solves all problems..." (Wow, I surprise me sometimes.)

"No, it doesn't go through any orifice or anything." (It's those shameless co-workers again...youch.)

"It's up to your discrepancy..." (Yet another co-worker. I really love my job.)

"I'm a grinder girl, I want all the sauce." (A co-worker, perhaps oblivious to the innuendo involved.)

"God, I just want to louffa your head so bad!" (Don't even ask.)

"Every moment has its music, And every battle its drumbeat." (Me, as I engaged my walkman and speakers during a live-action role-playing game's battle scene.)

"I am not a large breasted woman." (Said by one of the guys. And he was not drunk.)

"Ah, spring. When a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of Antihistamines." (This is my life. Shoot me.)

"What? Am I the empathic link to gonads now?" (Just one of those conversations. Oh well.)

"Oh just go put that stuff on those things." (Ma mere, attempting to give clear, concise directions.)      

"They did something stupid that did something stupid to it." (Me again.) 

"What can I say, I'm just a synthetic kind a guy." (Yours truly, when discussing natural cold remedies.)

"Damn, those transparent things are hard to see." (Think about it)

"I can do it with my eyes tied behind my back." (Uh-huh)

"The bell is for the deaf people." (regarding a bell for BLIND people at a four way intersection to alert them to cross)


More Quotes to come as they are spoken.

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