(OR What Roleplayers say when they open their mouths without thinking (which is quite often))
Newest Quotes are now at the top of each list that is regularly updated - one shot lists are not re-organized

Follow these links to the amusing snippets of your choice....or read the quotes from One-Shot and Short Term games on this page...

Real Life Quotes...
My D&D Campaign...
Jeff Lawrence's Greyhawk Campaigns...
My Wing Commander Campaign...


From the "Mighty Jeff" Campaigns in the World of GreyHawk:

"Hey, Jeff, what are your piles?" (That is just not the kind of question you ask a man in front of others...)

"I needed something to obsess over, and you provided it" (Um, I don't know if it was a good thing...)

"It was sooo bad. I couldn't watch. It was like a car accident." (I have no clue...)

"Do not encourage the DM to thrust..." (Well....)

"I sniff your fish again..." (Woah, that's personal...)

"I go swish my hands in his pan." "Um, do you have swish pan hands?" (Damn tribal greeting customs...)

"squid head....squid head...roly poly squid head" (I really hate mind flayers.)

"I do not speak your Foo Foo Fruity language." (If I'm lucky, neither do I.)

"That's what counts, what you are thinking and doing at the moment?" "Well I tend to do those things separately." (Um. Ok...)

"We had to stop to kill my family." "But they had to stop to make your family." (Do you want to know? No, no you don't.)

"White elves can't snap." (Why me?)

"Your hair was lost in battle." (Could be worse. I think.)

"Halfros." (What styling '70s halflings are wearing.)

"We reminded him of seals with afros." (I really don't need any more info.)

"Where is Agatha? That was fingered up." (Woah....)

"Are there any nature gods of juggling?" (Uh, give you one guess...)

"I'll show you my Rod of Slender." (Um, no thanks. That's quite alright.)

"I draw my Hackmaster plus Twat..." (Woah, nelly. Where did you ever come up with a combo like that? I guess we know what you're thinking about.)

"Can I see your boll weevil?" (Blech again!)

"This is the down, and this is the here." (Well, that's rather illuminating.)

"Honey, can you sleep straight?" (As opposed to...)

"It's a cavalcade of thieves!" (Well, I suppose there are worse cavalcades available)

"Tastes like liquid earwax." (Blech!)

"I honk him half-heartedly..." (I didn't even know that was possible...)

"Doomed now...Doomed later." (The brain damaged warrior woman succintly summing up the party's options.)

"They'll die in mid-honk." (Do you want to know? No, no you don't.)

"And what would you like to do with said hole?" (Well, now that you mention it...)

"And you find a dole with a whore in it..." (Damn, really, how'd she fit into the pineapple?)

"Just hanging on getting ready to close my hole if I have to." (So says the thief-warrior elf woman. About her Well of Many Worlds which is draining a pit full of acid you perverts!)

"I may be psychotic, but I'm faithful." (Umm, to whom?)

"I wouldn't notice, I'm stupid." (Good point.)

"Both of them are holding my thing." (Wow, you certainly getting a lot of support lately.)

"He's such a good bringer of weevils." (It's that weird warrior woman again.)

"The dwarf has big swingies." (Um, big swingy whats??)

"And your name is Maurice..." (Well that's half the party now - damn Trees of Wonder.)

"I'm at the end of my rope." (And she really was too, since we'd tied one around her to prevent loss to traps.)

"I'll have to tuck him in later." (The warrior woman referring to her mate's flapping belly wound.)

"How would you like to learn to die? You get one lesson!" (Damn proto-characters trying to learn everything.)

"I fold the bone up..." (Now that's double jointed!)

"And you find yourself in the Toilet of Nerull....." (Adventurer go down the hole...)

"Leave daddy's undead alone.." (Seems straightforward to me.)

"I'd throw my post, but I like my post. (Well, doesn't everyone?)

"I pick up my log and go north." (Well aren't we just the big man.)

"Frankly, he can keep his sorry baboon ass there, for all I care." (The half-elf druid/mage is perturbed by the whole regalia of might/Nalfeshnee/Tuerny the Merciless/Iuz screws the world mess, thank you very much.)

"I am going to make that Nalfeshnee my bitch when we get back." (Damien is possessing Kallir, oh my!)

"Break it down with brute stupidity!" (Well, if anyone can, it's Zebulon!)

"I'm not exactly the brightest torch at the festival." (And don't we know it Zebulon)

"Stick that lip out long enough and a bard will come along and shit on it." (Wow.)

"I eat my weevils raw, that doesn't mean I don't eat my rat cooked." (Survival specialist, Thora.)

"Patty Cake, patty cake, Heironyous Man, Make me a War as fast as you can, Make it a Just one, Make it True, Evil, evil, we hate you!" (Never let the 5 Int paladin lead rhyming games.)

"You have to have ambulatory butt cheeks..." (And that's as far as we will go into that conversation.)

"I'm not big, but I'm tiny!" (Umm, ok.)

"I'm dumb. Shut up." (Now that's a comeback.)

"I'll eat my weevils cooked." (Never discuss hard-tack if you are given the opportunity.)

"He's a Were-Idiot!!" (Now that's some change.)

"The Pixie wasn't even a Jew." (It's not what she said, but what we heard. Can shapeshifters be circumsized?)

"If I only had a pole." (Well, that's a personal problem I guess.)

"I did not known she had slown a vampire." (Ummm, SLOWN? When you are killed, you have been slown. Umm.)

"Wipe those chagrins off your faces." (From the dumb paladin regarding sideways grins. Right.)

"Ogre, the other blue meat." (Too bad I don't know what the first blue meat is...)

"My god, it's a five-head!" (Speaking of the paladin's unusually large fore-head.)

"You send me there while I'm a moron, and you will be so incredibly dead when I get back." (I hate curses, but it was fun to play.)

"You're doing that thing again. Stop doing that!" (Hmmph, sayeth I to the uncouth ranger.)

"That wasn't me. I was dead." (Possibly the greatest excuse EVER invented.)

"What's wrong with Ares?! Goats like to eat! Oops." (So, what's your sign? Goober, I believe.)

"How dare he have an unlisted alignment!" (I hate non-detection. But we killed him anyway - he was obviously hiding something.)

"They're all sitting crayfish. What's it matter?" (Well, they were.)

"Well I didn't want to waste it." (Regarding unleashing a 2' diameter sphere of fire into a wrestling melee - that involved party members of the sphere thrower.)

"Well that doesnt mean you have to beat me with a cylindrical..." (A cylindrical what?)

"That's my pech, you fool!" (Um, ok, so that was me.)

"I was much more interested in what the stiffie was wearing." (Well, aren't we the kinky one.)

"Don't pinch a loaf, just bend the bar." (Well, we certainly are on a roll tonight...)

"Getting gang-banged by Nilbogs has been ruled out as a means of escape..." (Unless your into that sort of thing.)

"This is not the chinese anal beads adventure!" (Never talk to an adventurer about grease and holes in the same sentence.)

"Witch doctor magic always mighty, well, at least til he go burrr - cack..." (Watch those goblin icicles fall...)

"Well, He's not exactly the brightest god on the christmas tree!" (Referring to the Avatar of Hextor, the evil god of war on Oerth, during a battle with him.)

"He's unconscious. Now's my chance to use the wand. I can't clap fast enough!!" (Chretian, the um, uh, ninja swashbuckler, about the chance to use the monk's neo-artifact Wand of Wonder - chaos in the making.)

"Uyag not as dumb as he looks." (Uyag, the half-giant, on SEVERAL occasions.)

"So, you're a real brain stem kinda guy, huh?" (From the party's ever tactful ranger to the half-giant gladiator)


More Quotes to come as they are spoken.

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